Lost and Insecure
by girlinabar
Summary: What if, in the elevator scene in '17 seconds' (2x25) Derek had found his voice and spoken to Meredith? Would he have the nerve to tell her of his latest revelation or will he back out, causing Meredith to get even angrier than she was before? What will he have to do to get back into Meredith's good books? Rated M just to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

Meredith was waiting for the elevator after finishing a long shift. The shooting had been a lot of hard work, with Callie on her ass, and the possibility of having to put Doc down weighing on her mind, she was exhausted. Not to mention the Derek and Addison thing, which was mortifying to say the least, the last thing she wanted was to cause a rift between the two. Especially seeing as she was finally getting happy with Finn. The elevator pinged, signalling that it had arrived. The doors opened and Meredith was relieved to see that it was empty. She walked in and pressed the button for the ground floor. Just as the doors started to close a hand stopped them and in walked Derek, still dressed in his dark blue scrubs. Meredith breathed in a big breath, clutched to the straps of her bag, and kept her eyes trained on the doors ahead of her as she willed the elevator to speed up and just get to the ground floor already, or just the floor that Derek needed so that this awkward silence could end. Out of the corner of her eye she could see he looking at her, his eyes all sad and confused. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes and kept them trained on the door. She noticed him turning his body slightly towards her this time, opening his mouth to speak. She wished so badly that he'd just change his mind, close his mouth and go back to looking at the door. However, Meredith didn't have such luck. He turned his body fully towards her, looked her over once more and sighed. "Listen, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry about earlier, with Addison," he said, nervous regret filling his voice. Meredith just pursed her lips and nodded slowly, continuing to avoid his gaze and stare at the doors. "She shouldn't have brought you into our problems." He finished, Meredith couldn't believe that that was all he was apologising for. Although it was slightly embarrassing, she didn't really care for his apology, at that moment she didn't want anything from him. "Don't worry about me, I'm just the dirty whore ex-mistress," she said as she walked out the elevator on her floor. She rushed to get to her car out of fear that he would follow her. Luckily, he just stared after her, taken aback by her comment.

Meredith got home in record time, craving a relaxing bath and one of Izzie's delicious muffins. She dumped her bag and coat by the stairs and ran upstairs, ignoring the looks she got from George. While she waited for her bath to run she went back downstairs quickly to get her phone so she could call Cristina after her bath and then ran but up to avoid getting questioned by George about what the problem was. Once Meredith was dressed after her bath she stared at the phone she held in her hand, contemplating whether or not to call Cristina about this. On the one hand, it was Cristina, she was always reliable to be on her side and make her feel better, on the other, Meredith knew she was having some problems with Burke at the moment, and knew that she would just tell her to get over the Mcdreamy mcdrama and get on with her life. So, she decided against calling her and went downstairs for a muffin. She sat down at the table, opposite George while she silently ate her muffin. "What would cause you to call someone a whore?" she suddenly asked after swallowing a mouthful of the muffin. George looked at her quizzically, unsure of why she was asking and unsure of what the right answer would be. Typically George wouldn't call anyone a whore, but he would be lying if he said he'd never called anyone a whore, it only happened once when he'd been extremely angry and jealous one time in high school. However, George wasn't going to say that it was a product of jealousy, because, judging by Meredith's hesitancy, it was probably Mcdreamy who called her a whore. "I wouldn't really call anyone a whore, Mer." George said, trying to get out of answering her question. "Why? Did someone call you a whore?" He tried to turn the attention away from himself. Meredith just sat there for a moment before she nodded, "Derek called me a whore because he thinks I slept with Finn. He said that because I slept with Finn, and you, and that guy who got that permanent erection, I'm a whore and I'm just as bad as Alex. He actually suggested that I sleep with Alex, just to top it all off." She rambled, coming off more emotional than she had intended. "Then when he couldn't accept that he was in the wrong he just walked away, said our friendship is over and left. But then today, he was ignoring me, which I was grateful about because I sure as hell didn't want to speak to him, but then later, when I couldn't run away from him, he said he was sorry for Addison shouting about me being in the way of their relationship. Nothing else, just that he was sorry for Addison, not what he said to me, and he was looking at me with these sad eyes which really annoyed me because-" suddenly george interrupted her mid-sentence, sensing she was getting too worked up about it. "Don't listen to him, Mer, just ignore him, he's not worth your time. Anyone who judges you for your actions isn't worth your time. Especially as you haven't actually done anything to hurt him." He consoled her. Meredith was surprised that George was actually giving her advice about this, she thought their friendship was still too delicate for this kind of conversation. "How do I ignore him though? I always seem to be on his service just when I don't want to be, and judging by his apology he'll probably request me tomorrow, or at the very least he'll try talk to me again. How do I avoid that? Swap with Alex to stay near Addison because he won't say anything if she's there?" She wondered aloud. "You probably won't be on his service, there are tons of other specialties you could be on. And for the rest of the time just make sure to stick by one of us, he probably won't do anything with us there." George suggested reassuringly. "Right, thanks so much George," She said as she squeezed his hand slightly and gave him a warm smile, "Want to watch a movie?" She suggested.

Meredith slept surprisingly well that night, she rationalized that it was due to George calming her down and finally spending time with her. She felt like half of her problems had been solved. Now she just had to worry about Doc, she was finally accepting the idea that they might have to put him down, she knew what it was like to be in pain because someone is keeping you stuck in limbo and she didn't want that for her dog. She knew that that meant talking to Derek about it, but maybe she could just do it through Finn? The whole situation was far too complicated for her liking. But she just knew that she wasn't going to let Doc suffer.

Meredith arrived to work arm in arm with George, a smile on her face as he made some sort of joke. She spotted Derek arriving and quickly averted her eyes to somewhere else. She noticed him waiting for the same elevator that her and George would be heading on, so she quickly suggested that they take the stairs, not even trying to hide the fact that it was because of Derek. George, Meredith, and the rest of the interns speedily changed into their scrubs, eager to be ready on time. "Alright, listen up, Yang you're with me, Stevens- Shepherd, O'Malley you're with Burke, Karev you're on gynie with the other Shepherd, Grey- the pit. Let's get moving." She said loudly.

Normally Meredith would've hated being in the pit, but today she was thankful because that meant that she wouldn't be running into Derek any time soon. And it was a good thing that Izzie was with him because she was too preoccupied with Denny to know about her silly little problems, it also meant that she would have a safe opportunity to tell him about Doc, because she knew Izzie would always defend her and stop her from getting hurt. She made her way down to the pit with a smile on her face and got on with her work happily.

When lunch time finally came around Meredith was in an excellent mood, the pit was pretty quiet so she had caught up on all her paperwork, now she just had to hope (is that a bad thing? To hope that someone will get hurt) that there would be a trauma case or a surgical case to come in. She knew that while she was on her break she should find Derek and talk to him about Doc, but she was growing to like the idea of just calling him or texting him, instead of actually speaking face to face, more and more. She was talking to George, Izzie, Cristina, and Alex when she felt someone behind her. She looked up and her eyes widened in shock, but she quickly covered it up with a smile. "Finn! What are you doing here?" She exclaimed, she stood up and gave him a kiss on the cheek and a hug as a hello, she grabbed a chair from the table next to her and put it next to her seat so that Finn would have somewhere to sit. "I had a free afternoon so I thought I'd come surprise you," he said with a smile as he sat down next to her and nodded in hello to all her friends. "Finn, these are my friends: Cristina, Izzie, George, and Alex." She pointed to each of them as she said their names. "It's a pleasure to meet you." Finn smiled at them. "Hi," they all said in unison as they continued to eat and talk. It didn't go unnoticed by Meredith that a certain pair of blue eyes never left their table, scrutinising what was going on. "Can go talk somewhere?" She whispered in Finn's ear before she stood up and dragged Finn by the hand to an empty conference room so they could talk in peace.

"So, I've decided that Derek was right, I don't want Doc to be in pain, I think it's best if we put him to sleep." She said once they were sat down in the conference room. Finn nodded, "If that's what you think is best. I'll draw up the paperwork and book you an appointment, it's probably best to do it sooner rather than later though, to avoid putting him in more pain." Meredith nodded, "I can do today, if that's okay with both of you?" Meredith was slightly shocked about how soon he had chosen to do it, but she realised that if she didn't do it today then she would probably back out of it, so she nodded once more. "Okay, I'll tell Derek, thanks for doing this, Finn." She offered him a small smile. Finn smiled back and gave her a light hug, "It'll be okay, Meredith. I guess I better go, get everything in order." Meredith nodded once more, "I'll text you when we're on our way over."

Meredith didn't really want to talk to Derek, but she knew that she had to, and that it wasn't appropriate to have this conversation in public. She found him sitting on the couch in his office, drinking coffee and doing some paperwork. She knocked on the door before she opened it "are you sure about putting Doc to sleep?" She asked, he simply nodded in response and said "I don't want him to be in pain". "Finn said we should do it today then. Are you going to come?" She half expected him to say no, but he surprised her when he said yes; "He's my dog," he explained. "I'm off at 4 so I guess be there at 4:30 then." She instructed before she turned around and left his office, not wanting to talk to him any longer than she had to.

Meredith had barely made it two steps before she felt someone grab her arm and pull her backwards. "Who… what the hell?!" She exclaimed, she knew it was Derek, just from the direction she was being pulled. He pulled her back into his office and closed the door, letting her rest against it but not moving from right in front of her. "I'm sorry we have to put him down," he said. "It's fine." she responded, wanting to keep an eer of cool around him. "It's better than being in pain." He said, his sad eyes returning as they examined her. Her body was stiff, pressed against the door, one hand on the door handle, ready to make a break for it. Meredith merely nodded, she really wasn't in the mood to talk to him, she was still angry. "I'm sorry about the other day-" he started, but Meredith didn't want to hear it. "No worries, it's all good. I've got to go, I'll see you later." She said as she made a hasty retreat out his office. She made sure to walk quickly this time, so that he couldn't trap her again. She really should have taken George's advice and only talked to him with people around her.

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 _So, that was the first chapter I hope you liked it!_

 _Please remember to read and review._

 _Thank you :)_


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who read and reviewed on the last chapter! I really wasn't expecting that, so thank you! You were all so kind and I'm so grateful that you enjoyed it and took the time to write me a review._

 _This chapter will start after the scene where they put Doc down in 2x26/27 because I personally quite liked how Shonda did that._

 _I forgot to do this before the other chapter, but DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters in this story, all rights go to Shonda Rhimes and the creators of the show that kills us all, otherwise known as Grey's Anatomy._

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Meredith walked out of Finn's house with tears in her eyes. She got in her car and sat behind the wheel, not yet ready to drive as the tears were blurring her vision. She put her hands on the steering wheel and rested her head on her hands, the tears flowing freely now. She couldn't believe that Doc was actually gone now, she had loved him so much, he didn't deserve to be put to sleep. She sat there for a minute or two, simply thinking about how unfair it was that Doc had to die, everything that Meredith held dear to her always seemed to either die or leave; Doc had died, Derek had left, all her friends were too preoccupied with their own problems to help her with hers. Meredith just needed someone to acknowledge her pain and help her get through it. She knew it was a lot to ask of them, and they'd all been there throughout the entirety of the mcdrama, especially when he chose **her**. But now all she needed as a moan and a shoulder to lean on, and no one was offering it to her. She never used to be so dependent on people, but she realised that that's what happens when you find your people; you rely on them to help you when you can't help yourself.

She looked up when she heard a tapping on her window. Her green eyes clashed with blue, sending a jolt of electricity down her spine. He was giving her the look. Their look. She reluctantly rolled down the window after the wiped away any traces of tears on her face. "Are you alright?" He asked her with a concern riddled face. Meredith nodded, "I'm fine, Derek," now wasn't the time to have a heart to heart, she had decided. He had sensed the reserve in her voice, so he lowered his, "I'm, uh, going to bury Doc now, back at the trailer, if you want to come?" he put his hands in his pockets. Meredith hesitated before she nodded once more, "Okay, I'll meet you there." She turned back around and turned the engine on. "Thank you." she said quietly before she closed the window and started driving the familiar route to Derek's trailer.

Meredith arrived before Derek, so she waited in her car until he arrived. She stared at the trailer, trying to see if anything had changed about it. From what she could tell there were only slight differences, some of Addison's things had been put here and there. She resented the painful reminder that he had a wife, but appreciated the notice that they were just friends and could never be anything more, not to mention the remembrance that she was still annoyed at him.

Meredith wandered nearer to the water, looking for the perfect spot to bury Doc. She soon found it, it was close to the water, yet far enough away to still be seen by the trailer. Meredith stood there for a while, her arms folded over her chest, as she looked across the water. It didn't take long for Meredith to sense a presence next to her. "I never thought it would end like this." She said quietly. Derek offered her a sad smile, even though he knew she wasn't looking at him, that she hadn't properly looked at him for days. "He's okay, Mer, he's no longer in pain." She nodded and glanced at him, "Let's just do this then."

Derek lead Meredith back to the trailer once they were done. "I better get going, need to get ready for the prom and all." she said awkwardly, trying to avoid spending even more time alone with him. "Wait, I think we should have a drink, in commemoration of Doc," he replied, trying to get her to spend more time with him. He gently put his hand on her arm, making her stay right where she was. Meredith pulled her arm away from him, saying "I don't think that's such a good idea." Derek sighed, "It's just one drink, Meredith, it won't do you any harm." Meredith didn't want to argue with him anymore, she didn't have the energy or the emotional capability. "Fine," she stated, sounding defeated. Derek smiled and walked inside the trailer, leaving the door open for her to follow. He took out a bottle of wine and two glasses and placed them on the counter top. Meredith looked around, looking for signs of change. All she saw now was Addison's things making the trailer feel smaller than it really was. Meredith felt like she was being suffocated by the presence of Addison in the trailer, she wanted nothing more than to just escape. She clasped her hands together and started playing with her fingers in her discomfort. She took a sip of the wine and resumed to staring at her feet. Derek's eyes never left her, he could sense that wasn't so comfortable, at least not as comfortable as she used to be in his trailer. His mind wandered back to their good times in this trailer, a small smile appearing on his lips. "So, how've you been?" he asked, trying to break the silence. "Fine," she answered coldly, she really didn't want to do this with him again. "Good, that's good." He paused for a while, "I've been good too, had some really interesting cases recently." Meredith nodded, finished her wine, and moved her hair out of her face. She placed the glass on the table and looked at it, staying unresponsive to his attempts at conversation. "Will you please just talk to me?" He tried being upfront, knowing that Meredith would need to get angry again to say anything to him. He knew he had hurt her by calling her a whore, but he didn't know it had hurt her to such an extent. "No, you lost the right to talk to me, all you ever do is lie or hurt me. I'm done listening to what you have to say, you're full of crap and I'm sick of it. You're married, stop trying to have the best of both worlds and just enjoy being with your wife while I enjoy being with Finn." She took a breath, she knew she was lying by saying she was enjoying being with Finn, because honestly no one was as good as him, but she had to try, for the sake of her own happiness. "Deal with the consequences of your actions and, please, just leave me alone." She said before she stormed out of the trailer, she was done trying to be amicable with him, it wasn't fair on any of them. "Meredith-" Derek tried calling after her, but it was too late, she was already gone.

Meredith was frustrated to say the least. Derek was being hot and cold with her and it was playing with her head. She knew that she shouldn't pay attention to him anymore, but she couldn't help herself. Derek was really messing with her head and she had no idea how to stop him. She knew she should focus on being with Finn, but it wasn't that easy. She just couldn't seem to turn her mind off of him, no matter how hard she tried to.

Meredith was pressed for time by the time she made it home, so she texted Finn and told him to meet her at the prom instead of picking her up. Meredith had a quick shower before she walked over to her closet and picked out a long black dress she had bought a few months ago. She dried and curled her hair, before she put on some make up. She kept it light, just some blusher, eyeliner, mascara, and a nude/pink lipstick. She hardly ever wore makeup so it was a lot for her. She picked out a pair of simple black heels to complete her look. By the time she was ready she was already forty minutes late to the prom, not to mention the time it would take to travel there. She wasn't in that much of a hurry, she had never been the prom type of person. Although she was excited to see what a prom looked like as she never went to her high school prom. Her and her pink hair certainly did not fit in.

"Iz, I'll meet you there, okay?" she called out to her when she noticed that the taller blonde wasn't quite ready yet. "Sure, Mer, enjoy dancing with Finn." Meredith could hear the smirk in her voice, so she just chuckled in response. She grabbed her purse and keys and made her way out. She was nervous, but she wasn't quite sure why.

When she arrived she marvelled at how nice the hospital looked. She had seen some of it before she left, because the chief had delegated the job of decorating to her and her fellow interns, but she hadn't seen the full effect because she had to go take care of Doc. Her eyes scanned the room, looking for Finn. She smiled when she saw him, but it disappeared slightly when she saw who he was standing next to. Nevertheless, she took a deep breath and walked up to them. "Hey Finn," she said, her smile bright as she kissed him on the cheek and took his hand in her own. She noticed Derek was watching her every move, but she didn't really care. "Hey," Finn replied, mimicking her actions. "Meredith." Derek said quietly, trying to create some space between the couple he wished wasn't together. However, Meredith had meant what she said earlier, she just wanted him to leave her alone, and the only way she knew how to get someone to leave her alone was to ignore them. So she did just that. "Let's go dance, Finn." She said as she dragged him off to the dancefloor. She heard Finn saying goodbye to Derek, but she didn't bother to wait for him to find a reason to stop them.

When they reached the centre of the dance floor she draped her arms around Finn's neck and looked at him, a smile apparent on her face. She was growing more and more appreciative of having him in her life, he was the perfect distraction from Derek. "I'm really glad you're here," she said, noticing in the corner of her eye that Derek and Addison were now talking, although Derek didn't seem to be too intrigued by his wife's antics. "I'm glad I'm here too," he said, "you look beautiful." Meredith blushed ever so slightly, "Thank you, you look very handsome." She smiled at him. They moved closer to each other, swaying to the music that was playing. Meredith rested her chin on Finn's shoulder, a bright smile on her face. Although she didn't like Finn like she loved Derek, it was a start. She could grow to love him. He really was nice, and she was glad that out of all the people she had chosen to start dating after Derek it was him. He was the opposite of Derek, he would never lie about any secret wives, or pick someone else over her, or call her a whore. Finn was good. He was a change, but he was good. She embraced Finn a little tighter, her hand moving closer to his neck on his shoulder. She looked up from the random spot on the floor she had been absentmindedly staring at while she was thinking and met the one person's eyes she did not want to see. He was staring at her, it felt like he was looking right down to her core, drawing her into his gaze. A small smirk appeared on his lips the longer she looked at him. Meredith felt herself getting overwhelmed by his gaze and so she broke it, she pulled away from Finn slightly, taking in a deep breath. "I'm a bit hot, I'm just going to splash some cold water on my face. I'll be back in a few minutes, okay?" She smiled and kissed him on the cheek. Out of the corner of her eye she noticed Derek making some excuse to leave Addison, so she quickened her pace to get out of there. She didn't know where she was going, but when she heard his footsteps behind her she started running. She ran into an empty exam room, quick to close the door behind her, only she wasn't quick enough and he walked in behind her. It was just the two of them, alone in a dark exam room, tensions flying high.

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 _Chapter two is done! It turned out a little different than I planned, but oh well, I hope it's still good._

 _I know it ended on a cliffhanger, so I apologise. But luckily for you, I'm on holiday so for the next two weeks updates will probably be regular as I write when my muse hits me, which seems to be quite often these days._

 _Okay, enough rambling._

 _Thanks for reading, remember to review._

 _Love to all of you 3_


	3. Chapter 3

Meredith moved quickly to put the exam table between them, creating some distance between the two former lovers. "What do you want Derek? Didn't you get the message? I'm not interested. You have a wife, I have a boyfriend, so just leave me alone." She reiterated her previous message. Derek scoffed slightly at that remark, Finn could never compare to what he made her feel, and he knew it. "I just wanted to make sure you were alright." He said, trying to sound innocent. Truth was, ever since he saw her in that dress dirty images had been racing through his mind, he was desperate to get his hands on her. In no way did Addison compare to Meredith, sure she was beautiful, but Meredith was Meredith, she was magnificent. "Yeah, right." Meredith said, not even nearly believing him. "I am, that's what friends do." He argued, trying to soften her rage, he leaned towards her, resting his hands on the exam table that she had situated between them. "Our friendship is over, Derek. You're the one who ended it. You have no reason to be concerned about me." She responded, thinking back to their argument on the stairwell. She didn't want to be doing this with him right now, not when Finn and Addison were right outside. She made her way to move past him, to leave the room, but he grabbed her arm and pulled her close to him. "I'll always be concerned about you," he whispered before he planted his lips on hers and kissed her like he never had before. The kiss was sweet and tender, yet hungry and aggressive all at once. Meredith's mind started getting foggy, and she found herself kissing him back, despite her mind telling her not to. Her hands found their way to his hair and she ran her fingers through his lustrous mane. Derek picked her up and walked them over to the exam table, never breaking their kiss. He sat her down and moved his lips to her neck, not leaving one centimeter of skin untouched, while his hands made their way to remove her clothes. With the absence of his mouth on hers, Meredith was able to think for a moment, "Wait, we shouldn't be doing this." She pulled him up from where he was currently kissing on her chest and kept him at arm's length away from her. "You have a wife," she reminded both him and herself. She officially felt like the whore he had called her. Meredith stood up and adjusted her dress, "I have a boyfriend." She paused as she glanced up at him. "We can't be doing this." She said, finality taking over her tone. She fixed her smudged lipstick and messed up hair before she walked out to the party that was happening outside.

Before Meredith could make her way back to Finn, Callie grabbed her arm and started pulling her somewhere. "What's going on? Where are we going?" Meredith asked her in protest. "A nurse told me to get you, it's Izzie" she explained as she continued to pull Meredith away from her ex-boyfriend and almost secret lover.

Meredith never could have prepared herself for the sight she saw as she entered the room. Izzie was lying on the hospital bed, her head buried in Denny's neck, sobbing. The rest of the interns were just watching her, seemingly at a loss for what to do. In an instant Meredith realised what had happened: Denny had died. Despite all they had done for him, despite his new heart, he had died. This wasn't right. Meredith felt an overwhelming sadness for Izzie. She couldn't imagine what she must be going through right now. "Iz, you need to get up. They-they need to move him." Meredith attempted to get her to get up. "They need to take him to the morgue," Izzie whispered softly. "An hour ago he was proposing and now they're taking him to the morgue." She burst into tears at that moment, suddenly unable to hold them back. Alex got up to comfort her as the rest of them looked on sadly.

As they walked out of the hospital, all eyes were on them. Izzie was walking in the front, followed by a wall of George and Alex, and Meredith was behind them. Cristina was called off to go to Burke, so she wasn't with them. Izzie stopped in front of the chief, who was standing with Bailey, Addison, Derek, and Finn. She explained that she couldn't be a surgeon any longer, because of what had happened to Denny. She then walked solemnly down the stairs and to her car, where George drove them home and Alex held her in the backseat.

Meredith stayed in the hallway, overlooking the entrance to the hospital. Addison had walked off with the Chief and Bailey, so she was stuck with Derek and Finn. Derek looked at her with sad eyes, while Finn's were questioning. Meredith glanced at Derek, but walked over to Finn nonetheless. "Can you drive me home?" She whispered in his ear as she took his hand in hers, she didn't care about leaving her car at the hospital, she could always come in with George to get it. Finn nodded and kissed her on the head, they started walking off when she heard Derek say "Meredith" almost in a whimper. Meredith pretended she didn't hear him and continued to walk away, hand in hand with Finn.

The car ride home was quiet, Meredith figured he was giving her time to think about the events of the day. When they arrived at her house, Meredith turned in her seat to look at him, she smiled. "Thank you for driving me home," she said to him. He nodded in response, "Anytime, I hope Izzie is alright. If you need anything, call me, okay?" He smiled at her kindly. Meredith nodded and smiled, "Okay, thanks Finn." She kissed his cheek and then made her way out of his car. She waved to him when she reached the door and then entered her house.

There was a strange feeling in Meredith's house. Everything felt tense, she didn't know what to do or what to say. She walked upstairs and found George and Alex gathered outside the bathroom. She walked over to them, "How is she?" she asked them softly. "She won't leave the bathroom." Alex answered, he turned his gaze towards Meredith as he pointed towards the bathroom with his thumb. "Well have you tried going in there?" Meredith asked them, knowing fully well they hadn't and were probably waiting for her to do so. Both Alex and George shook their heads in response. "Right, I guess I'll try then," Meredith moved passed them and knocked on the door lightly, "Iz… Izzie, are you alright? Can I come in?" She asked her. She waited for a response, but she didn't get one, so instead of trying to talk to her again without getting a response, she opened the door. Izzie was lying on the floor of the bathroom, still in her dress, just staring at the floor. Meredith tiptoed towards her, lying on the ground next to her when she close enough to her. She turned her head to look at her, "Iz, want to change out of your dress? It must not be very comfortable." She said softly, trying not to break the bubble that was surrounding Izzie too much. Izzie just shook her head and said "Can you just leave, please? I want to be alone." Meredith nodded in response and stood up from her spot, when she reached the door she turned back to look at her friend; "We're here when you're ready to talk. Anything you need we're here." With that Meredith left her alone. "Probably best to leave her until tomorrow, give her some time to grieve." She instructed them.

The next few weeks were tense around Meredith's house, no one wanted to say or do the wrong thing, so they were very careful around Izzie. They let her come to them when she was ready, and over the last few days she started returning to her normal self, she started baking again, and then she started talking properly to everyone. Meredith was relieved to say the least, she had never seen anyone behave in this way, or grieve at all for the matter. Meredith walked downstairs to find Izzie icing a bunch of chocolate cupcakes. "Hey," Meredith greeted as she sat down at the counter and stole a muffin from Izzie's collection. "Hey," Izzie responded, focused on icing a cupcake perfectly. "How are you today?" Meredith asked her tentatively. "I'm alright, thinking about going into the hospital today." Meredith's eyes widened slightly in surprise, "Really Izzie, that's great! Do you want me to give you a ride? My shift starts at 9." Izzie shook her head, "As much as I would love to watch you avoiding Mcdreamy, I was thinking about going in a little bit later, just to give myself a bit more time." Meredith nodded understandingly. "Of course, if you change your mind, let me know. And page me when you get to the hospital." "I will." Izzie responded, giving her a small smile.

Meredith arrived at the hospital alone, Izzie had stuck with her decision to go in later in the day. She spotted Derek walking into an elevator, so she decided to take the stairs. Meredith knew that she should save more of her awkward avoidance for Izzie's amusement when she arrived, but she just couldn't bring herself to speak to Derek just yet, even though the day seemed like it was a day of change. Meredith went to the intern's locker room and got changed quickly before she walked back out and went in search of Bailey for her assignment. "It seems you are very popular today, Grey; you've been requested," Meredith's eyebrows raised in curiosity, "Shepherd wants you in room 3026." Suddenly her stomach was filled with dread, "Which Shepherd?" She asked nervously. "Derek." Bailey responded bluntly. Meredith sighed, knowing that this kind of thing could only happen to her. However, it was time to face the music.

It had been 26 days since Meredith had spoken to Derek, the last thing she said to him was "leave me alone", so he did just that. She had told him that she only wanted to talk to him if it was work related, she wasn't interested in having a relationship with him that wasn't anything other than strictly professional. So, he gave her space to think things through and work things out, but now he had had enough of it. He had given Addison the signed divorce papers the day prior, realising that he just wanted to be with Meredith, and that the reason he had been so angry at her was because he loved her, he just had to show her that it wasn't too late for them to work out.

Meredith walked into the patient's room and saw Derek already talking to the patient. It was a really interesting surgery, a corpus callosotomy. They were literally going to cut a brain in half, Meredith had only ever read about it, she'd never seen it done before. She was excited to observe, maybe even assist, she didn't even care anymore that she would have to be with Derek for four plus hours. It took her half a minute to realise Derek had stopped talking and was waiting for her by the door. She straightened her back, cleared her throat, smiled at the patient, and walked out a room. Derek quickly followed behind her, "So is it a partial callosotomy or a complete callosotomy?" Meredith asked excitedly. "Complete, that will give the best results for the patient." Derek smiled at her excitement, she was incredibly cute when she got this excited. Meredith nodded and continued shooting off question after question at him, desperate to know everything about this. Derek answered all of her questions, a smile plastered on his face.

Meredith had left Derek two hours ago to study up for the surgery which was in an hour and a half. Meredith had just enough time to finish studying and grab some lunch, and hopefully see Izzie, before the surgery. When she had finished she put the book away and walked to the cafeteria, she got a salad and sat at a table with George, Alex, and Cristina. "Anyone seen Izzie? She said she was going to come in today." She asked them as she stabbed some lettuce with her fork. "What? She didn't tell me. And no, I haven't seen her, are you sure she's coming?" George responded. Meredith shrugged, "She said she was.". "So, what's it like working with Mcdreamy again?" Cristina asked her, always wanting to know about what was going on between her and Derek, ' _she's probably got another bet on me'_ Meredith thought. "I get to assist on a corpus callosotomy," She smiled proudly. The table was then filled with 'no ways' and 'shut ups' as her fellow interns questioned her jealously. Meredith just nodded along, answering all their questions gloatingly.

When the time came to scrub in to the surgery Meredith was practically bouncing with excitement. She had drank so much coffee to keep her more alert than she had ever been to make sure she wouldn't miss a single second of this surgery. She was washing her hands when Derek walked in, he had his ferryboat scrub cap on and a smile on his face. "Excited?" He asked her as he took a mask and tied the bottom strings around his neck so that the mask hung loosely around his neck. Meredith nodded, suddenly at a loss for words. "It should be a fun surgery," Derek continued to speak to her, Meredith being unexplainably unable to talk to him. There was a feeling of unease settling in her stomach, last time she felt like this her hand ended up on a bomb, and she definitely didn't want to go through that again. "I'll see you in there." She said once she finished scrubbing in, trying to conceal her unease.

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 _Dun dun dun!_

 _I want to say thank you to MerDer2015 and Patsy for reviewing on both of the previous chapters, they really made me smile._

 _Please remember to read and review :)_


	4. Chapter 4

Meredith tried to keep her bad thoughts to herself, she hoped that if she didn't voice her concerns nothing would come of them. Luckily for her, there was no major drama in the surgery, Derek had kept the conversation to a minimum, focusing a lot on the surgery and explaining what he was doing to Meredith. A sigh of relief escaped her lips as she entered the scrub room to scrub out. The surgery had gone well, apart from the patient coding once, there were no complications. Everyone was safe, the patient was safe, she was safe. There were no bombs to be held. Derek followed her into the scrub room, a smile on his face. He seemed to be very smiley around her today, which Meredith found even more unsettling. The strange feeling was starting to agitate her, it still hadn't subsided and she wanted to know what was going to go wrong. "What?" She said, rather impatiently, she couldn't be bothered for him today, he was breaking their unspoken rule of no flirting, charming, or speaking. "You were really good in there." He said, also washing his hands as he watched her, still smiling. Meredith nodded, she had only opened and closed for him, he had done everything else, "Thanks," she replied, she looked down at her now clean hands and moved to dry them. "So, I've been meaning to talk to you-" he started, Meredith's stomach dropped, this was it, this was why she had been feeling so on edge, it was because he wanted to speak to her, obviously about something important. She hoped it was about them, but at the same time she desperately wished it wasn't because things had been going so well with Finn lately. "I, uhm," he grew nervous suddenly, anxious of her response, he had no idea how she was going to take this, "I asked Addison for a divorce." Meredith's stomach dropped even further, something she didn't know was possible. She was filled with hope and dread, which she found odd because she had never dreaded the thing she hoped for. "Oh," was all she managed to say, she couldn't rummage through her thoughts quick enough to get a coherent sentence out. "I love you, I know I'm a little late in saying it, but I'm in love with you, I have been for - ever. I know I was an ass to you, and I don't deserve you, and I'm putting you in an awkward position, but please, just consider this, because it's in no way less true than if I would have said it four months ago. I love you, and I just need you to know that." Meredith stood there, shocked, her stomach twisting in all directions, making it hard for her to breathe. Fortunately her pager went off, she checked it, it told her that Izzie was here, "I-I have to go." She said before she almost ran out of the room.

Meredith thought her mind was playing tricks on her, he did not just say that, did he? He couldn't have. Plus, he could be lying about signing the papers again, he had done it before, this could all just be some ploy to toy with her. Meredith walked briskly to the nurses station where Izzie was waiting for her, she smiled slightly, feeling like she might cry or punch someone. Izzie could sense that something was up, so she pulled her to a corner where there was a cluster of chairs. She forced Meredith to sit down and she sat next to her. "What happened?" She asked soothingly. Meredith just shook her head "I'm the one who's meant to be comforting you." Izzie nodded "I'm fine. So what happened? Is it Mcdreamy?" She asked hopefully, Mcdreamy drama was always the best drama. Meredith paused before she nodded slowly, "He's getting a divorce." It sounded even more surreal when she said it aloud. "You're kidding." Izzie said sounding surprised to say the least. "And he apparently loves me." Meredith finished, she still didn't believe it. Derek loved her, but he said it too late, she was with Finn now. If only he had said it when he needed her to, but instead he just picked Addison over her. She couldn't really blame him, if she was honest with herself, Addison was amazing, she paled in comparison to her. But now, he was picking her over Addison, something which was completely unprecedented. She put her head in her hands, trying to hide her face so no one could see the tears that were threatening to fall. She could practically feel Izzie staring at her, her mouth agape. When she recovered from her shock she rubbed her hand in a circular motion across Meredith's back, trying to comfort her. "It'll be okay, Mer." She didn't really know what to say to her, she knew how her friend felt, and she knew that the situation was complicated and that she still hadn't forgiven him for being rude to her. However, she was kind of grateful that Meredith was upset because it gave her a distraction from being in the hospital, as bad as it was. After a few minutes of comforting and soothing Meredith raised her head and wiped her eyes dry, "I'm okay," she attempted to smile, "besides, I should be the one doing the comforting." Izzie shook her head, "No, no comforting, I don't want to be treated like a baby, I just want to jump right back in where I left off." Meredith nodded, "Alright, let's go find the chief." She smiled and stood up, grabbing her friend's hand as they walked away. "We'll go this way round." She said as she purposefully took the long route to avoid any chance of running into Derek.

Meredith was called away while Izzie was talking to the chief, there was a big trauma and all hands were on deck. She spied Derek on the opposite side of the room, doing checks on a patient, he had his back to her, which she was grateful for so that he wouldn't catch her looking. She honestly did not know what to do about this whole situation, on the one hand she still loved him dearly, but on the other he was a complete ass to her. She didn't want to be stuck with an asshole for the rest of her life. And what if he did the same to her as he did to Addison? Granted she wouldn't cheat on him because she's not that kind of girl, but it could still happen, he could get a job somewhere else, move there and start a relationship with another slutty intern. It could happen. She was pulled away from her thoughts when he patient started crashing, she started shouting stuff at the nurses, trying to get him to wake up. She charged up paddles and shocked him, trying to revive him. After ten minutes of trying to revive him, she was told my Bailey to stop. "Time of death: 6:32." She announced before she walked away. She checked to see if there were any surgeries she could scrub in on, but it seemed her fellow interns had gotten all of them while she was trying to get her patient to make it through long enough to get to surgery.

Since Izzie was still speaking to the chief, Meredith decided to catch up on her charting while she watched a surgery. She decided to watch Derek's craniotomy, as watching him work always put her mind at rest. She turned one of the chairs at a right angle so she could rest her back and her feet at the same time. She sat down comfortably and got to work on her charts, occasionally looking up to see what Derek was doing at that moment. She had the intercom turned on so she could have the soothing sound of his voice in the background as she worked. It took the entirety of the surgery for her to finish her paperwork, she thought she had gone unnoticed, as she was sitting pretty quietly in the gallery, however, of course Derek had noticed her sitting there. He smiled when he saw her and stole many glances in her direction as he worked.

Derek wanted to find Meredith after the surgery, to continue their earlier conversation, but he couldn't seem to find her once the surgery had finished. He checked just to make sure she wasn't in the gallery still, but she wasn't. To no avail he continued to search the hospital for her, the only woman he found was Addison, who approached him. "I thought you'd like to know that I've moved all my stuff out of the trailer, and my lawyer will be contacting yours shortly." Derek nodded, "Thanks for being so understanding." He said, knowing this must not be easy for Addison. She simply nodded in response and walked away from him. She knew this day would come eventually, but it was still hard to lose the last 11 years of her life.

Meredith found Izzie staring at the door of the cardio ward, she quickly laced her arm around her waist and dragged her away from the door. "Don't do that to yourself, Izzie, start with something easier to deal with." She walked with her to the coffee cart, maybe getting a coffee would take her mind off Denny. Meredith ordered them both coffees and paid for them for Izzie. "What time do you get off?" Izzie asked her, wanting to know if she'd be able to go home with her. "I'm on call tonight," Meredith said sadly, "But I think George get's off soon." She said to make up for her absence. Izzie nodded, "Should we go find him?" Meredith suggested, Izzie nodded once more and they walked away to find George, whilst drinking their coffees.

An hour after finding George, Meredith was paged to a patient's room, who was seizing. Meredith ordered diazepam and other medication to stop the seizing, and it worked. She checked the chart and there was no mention of a history of seizures. She asked a nurse who the on-call neuro attending was, and of course it had to be Derek. She sighed and wandered off in search of him. She went to his office and knocked on the door, walking in after a second. He was looking down at paperwork when she entered, giving her time to compose herself properly. She cleared her throat quietly, "Dr Shepherd," she said almost timidly, he looked up and a bright smile appearing on his face when he saw it was her. She knew he thought she was here about their earlier conversation, but she still wasn't ready for that, she knew she'd have to make it clear that she was still dating Finn. "I have a patient who came in for an appendectomy and is now seizing, I was hoping you could look at her chart." She finished, trying to avoid looking him in the eye. Derek nodded, staring at her intently, trying to read her body language, "Sure," he said, holding his hand out for the chart. Meredith walked closer to him and gave him the chart, she then took a few steps back and leaned against a wall. He read over the chart, his lips pursing in thought. "Take her down for a CT, I'll be with you in a minute." He said, being professional. Meredith nodded and walked out his office, glad he didn't try to force another conversation with her. Although she did know that she wasn't out the dark just yet.

She took Mrs Raymond for a CT and waited in the viewing room, watching the computers. "You're doing great, just a little while longer now." She said into the intercom to keep the patient calm. She leaned back in the chair and stretched her arms out in front of her. She knew she had to preserve her energy as she was going to be there the whole night. What she didn't know was that Derek had paused to watch her for a moment before he entered the room. He had a small smile on his face as he watched her in delight. "Anything on the scans?" He said, interrupting the peaceful silence. Meredith jumped in her chair, her hand flying to her chest as she tried to catch her breath. "Oh my god, you scared me," she looked at him as her breathing calmed down. "Sorry," he said, not sounding nearly as apologetic as he should, she looked cute when she got so flustered. He moved to stand next to her, leaning over her to read the scans. His brow furrowed in confusion, "Hmmm," he said, thinking about what could be wrong with the patient. All Meredith could think about was being in such close proximity to him with no chaperone to watch what they were doing. He moved a little closer to the screen, scrutinising it, "It's small, but it's there: a subdural hematoma." Meredith moved forward so she could see it, "Oh, there it is," she said, pointing at it on the screen. Derek nodded and hummed in approval. He turned to her, wanting so badly to kiss her or just simply touch her. "So, have you thought about our earlier conversation?" He plunged straight into the deep end, wanting to know her response before he went crazy. He moved away from her slightly, to get a full view of her reaction. Meredith visibly gulped, "I- um- I'm dating Finn," she informed him, only half avoiding his question. She knew that she hadn't stopped thinking about what he said, but she wasn't going to tell him that. "Break up with him," he pleaded. Meredith shook her head, "No, Derek, that is not how this works. I won't just drop whatever I'm doing when you decide you love me and you want me. No, I'm not some consolation prize because you and Addison didn't work out. You made your decision, I made a fool out of myself, begging you to pick me, but you didn't, you chose her. So now you don't just get to have me because you want me now, you were a jerk to me, and I deserve better than that. I don't care if whatever feelings you claim to have for me may be reciprocated, because I'm dating Finn. And Finn is nice, and I like Finn, and I can see a future with Finn. So no, Derek, I will not break up with Finn." She huffed and stood up, surprised with herself that she got so angry. She glared at him, letting him know that she was angry and left the room.

Only her speech did not give the lasting impression that he had hoped. The only things that Derek had taken from her speech was that she still loved him, and that he was going to have to fight like hell to make up for his past mistakes. He was also going to have to get Finn out of the picture somehow.

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 _Oooh, two confessions of love in one chapter._

 _The next chapter may take a little while longer to upload because I'm a bit busy this weekend, but I promise that whenever I have a free minute I'll make sure to write!_

 _Thanks for reading, please remember to review :)_


	5. Chapter 5

_Hola! I'd like to say a special thank you to Patsy for reviewing again, and a special welcome to Susan- your reviews really made me smile, so thank you for that._

 _This chapter is a little short, but I promise the next one will be rewarding._

 _Please remember to read and review._

 _Love to all of you :)_

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Meredith had spent the next few hours trying to avoid Derek, she knew she had surgery with him in a few minutes, but for the time being she just wanted to avoid him and his stupid Mcdreamy face. She was both excited and scared by what he had said to her. He wanted her to break up with Finn, he wanted to be with her. But he also wanted her to break up with Finn, meaning that now he was ready she had to be too, leaving her open to get hurt again. She knew that in the end she wouldn't be able to resist him, but she needed to see for herself if she could make it with someone else, someone who wouldn't judge her in times of anger and despair. Even though it had been over a month, Meredith was still hurt that he called her a whore, it haunted her dreams and really made her think about her actions. She still hadn't had sex with Finn, which was maybe a sign, but at the same time she was glad he was being respectful. She had decided last week that this Friday night, when she had her night off and he was going to take her on some big fancy date, they were finally going to have sex, and she wasn't going to let Derek's games get in the way of that.

She walked into the scrub room, which was luckily empty, and started scrubbing in. Throughout the four minutes it takes to scrub, she was slightly on edge. Derek wasn't yet in the OR, so that means he was going to get there any minute, no doubt with something Meredith didn't want to talk about on his lips. She knew that once they were operating she was more or less safe, he wouldn't try to have a deep meaningful conversation with other people in the room, listening in for interesting gossip to spread around the hospital.

Luckily for Meredith, he only walked into the scrub room once she walked out of it and into the operating room. They weren't even in the same room long enough for Meredith to notice that he was behind her. She got gowned and gloved by the nurses in the operating room and then she waited for Derek next to the patient. Meredith said some comforting words to Mrs Raymond as she was being put under, and then moved closer to her head, so that she would be able to assist Derek on the surgery.

Throughout the surgery Derek kept talking about how nice it is to find that one person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Meredith guessed he phrased it that way because most of the hospital didn't yet know about his and Addison's divorce, but she knew that he was talking about her, which really annoyed her. Meredith tried not to respond, and to just ignore him, hoping that he would tire of trying to make her uncomfortable after a while. However, once he mischievously questioned why she was being so quiet, she knew she had to take a jab at his ego. She told him that sometimes feelings aren't returned in the same way, and that sometimes it's just too late to go back to the way things were. The latter being the truest of all the reasons she gave him. She kept her explanations brief, trying not to give him anything to use against her at a later stage. Thankfully the surgery was reasonably short, so she was able to escape her torture relatively quickly.

When they walked into the scrub room once they had finished up, Meredith knew that he was going to try to talk to her again, as she was basically cornered and had nowhere to hide. Once she got her hands under the water she looked at him and saw a mischievous smirk on his face. She raised her eyebrows and said "Stop." Derek's smirk shifted into a smile, "What?" He said playfully. "Stop looking at me like that." "Like what?" Derek taunted her, remembering their conversation when she first started working at Seattle Grace. Meredith bit her lip, also remembering their third ever conversation. She just shook her head, "You can't just turn on the charm, corner me in surgery or in a scrub room and expect me to magically forgive you and take you back like nothing happened." She scrubbed a little harder on her arms and hands, "And if I did _that_ would be whorey, and I have more self respect than that." She threw his angry words in his face once again, they still upset her, even though she hoped they were just said out of jealousy. The man she fell in love with would never call her a whore. Derek sighed, watching her hands as they both scrubbed, he knew that he didn't mean it, but he didn't know just how much it had hurt Meredith. "I'm sorry," he said, sounding rejected. He didn't specify what he was sorry for, but Meredith thought it was for both calling her a whore and cornering her to talk about things. "Sometimes sorry just isn't good enough." She turned off the tap, grabbed a paper towel, quickly dried her hands and walked out the scrub room.

She knew that deep down she wanted to forgive him, to just move on from all their drama, but for some reason she just couldn't seem to push past it. She knew it was childish to keep bringing it up, but she couldn't help herself. She was determined that she was going to try to get them to be at least amicable and on speaking terms. At least while they were at work, so that her career wouldn't suffer from their drama.

Meredith felt suddenly tired after the surgery, so she quickly finished up some post-op notes and went to find an on-call room to sleep in. When she found an empty one she took her shoes off and laid down on the bed with a tired sigh. She didn't even both to pull the covers over herself as she started to fall asleep almost instantaneously.

Meredith had been sleeping for almost 30 minutes when she felt the bed dip beneath someone's weight, she thought she was imagining it, so she ignored it. A second later someone was lying next to her, someone unknown and with rather a lot of hair. Meredith let out a high pitched scream, not knowing who it was who was in bed with her. The mystery person screamed back, clearly not realising there was someone else in the bed, which caused Meredith to scream even louder. The other person stood up and turned the light on, revealing that Meredith's possible serial killer was indeed Derek. "What the hell are you doing?" She shouted at him, now sitting up in the bed. "I didn't know you were in here, I swear." Derek said defensively, his open hands rising in the hair to show his surrender. A nurse knocked on the door to check if everything was alright, and Derek just replied that it was. "Maybe you should check who you're climbing into bed with next time," she said angrily. "I'm sorry, it's just- I'm so tired, and all the other on-call rooms are full. At least, I think they are, I was too tired to check and this was the closest one." He replied defensively. Meredith huffed, "I thought you were an axe murderer." She said, finally calming down from her shock. Derek just shook his head and smiled "Nope, definitely not that." He paused, "Would you mind if I took the other bed? I'm too tired to look for another." He reasoned, both to himself and her. Meredith nodded, understanding the urgent need for sleep, "Go ahead," she replied. She laid back down and decided to pull the covers up over her body. Derek turned the light off and and climbed up on to the bed above Meredith's. Meredith was able to steal a glimpse of his abs in the dark room, as his scrub top lifted up a bit from his stretch. She bit her lip and closed her eyes, trying to stay calm as the bed rocked slightly as Derek got comfortable.

They were both quiet, the only sound in the room was their steady breathing. Meredith could feel the tension in the air, she didn't know if he was still awake, or if he found it just as awkward as her. They had never slept in the same room but in different beds, it felt weird to be so close to him but unable to touch him and cuddle up to him as they fell asleep. Meredith shifted into the fetal position, resting her hands in front of her to make her feel less cold without him. When Derek felt the movement, he whispered "Meredith?" Almost uncertainly, like he expected her not to answer or like she was actually asleep. "Yes?" She whispered back. He paused, Meredith thought it was so that he could think of what he was going to say next, but really it was just to build up the courage to say what he planned on saying to her weeks ago. "I really am sorry about everything, I'm sorry about Addison, and Doc, and I'm sorry for calling you a whore. I know it seems like I'm cornering you again, but I'm really not. I just- I just needed to tell you that I'm sorry, and I know it'll take a while, but I really do hope you'll forgive me someday." Derek's breath caught in anticipation, although he couldn't see it, Meredith nodded "I know," she responded. Meredith wanted more than ever to cuddle up to him in this moment, just to have a clearer memory of what it was like to be in bed with him again. She didn't even want to do anything with him, she just wanted to hold him. She imagined he was lying next to her, and suddenly everything seemed simple. It seemed so easy to break things off with Finn, to just forgive him, move on, and jump back into a relationship with him. But then she opened her eyes and realised that he was not lying next to her, and things were not that simple. She didn't want to hurt Finn, but in that moment she knew that the longer she left the issue unresolved the more hurt he would be. She really didn't want to end things with him, but it seemed like it was the only solution with the least drama attached to it. With that resolved, she closed her eyes and drifted off into a much needed sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

The time was around 3 AM when both Derek and Meredith jumped up at the sound of a pager beeping, Meredith taking a little longer to respond than Derek. She rummaged around to find her pager in the darkness as the incessant beeping started to annoy her immensely. When she finally found it she checked her pager to see if it was actually hers that was beeping, which it was. She grunted and put her shoes on, "Sorry," she whispered to him for the disturbance and left the room to answer her page.

As soon as her shift ended she quickly got changed out of her scrubs and into her normal clothes and left the hospital. As she was leaving she saw Derek on his way to speak to a patient's family. By the way his eyes followed her, she could tell that he had been watching her. She gave him a small smile and continued to walk out the hospital. She had to go see Finn, she decided that it really wasn't fair to have an emotional affair with Derek while she was still dating Finn, and she had to end it as soon as possible.

She sped to his house/practice, hoping all the while that he was in and that he didn't have any patients with him. She parked her car, locked it, and rang the doorbell. When he opened the door she smiled, trying to make it seem like everything was alright and she wasn't about to end their entire relationship. They greeted each other and she walked into his house, trying to keep her distance from him, so she could prepare herself for what she was about to do. She sat down on the couch in his living room, facing him on a chair. "So, I think we should talk." She said hesitantly, when he nodded she continued, finding the courage to speak up. "This isn't working out for me. I really like you Finn, a lot, but I don't- there isn't an instant connection with us- we don't- I don't, I'm not sure how to describe it, but it's just not right. And I don't want to hurt you, because you're a great guy, but I just-" She paused taking a breath, getting ready to continue trying to explain her jumbled thoughts. However, he spoke up before she had the chance to say anything else. "You still love him, don't you?" He said, referring to Derek. Meredith's eyes widened slightly in surprise, but then slowly nodded, "I think so. And it wouldn't be fair of me to continue dating you, while I'm still emotionally involved with someone else. I'm so sorry Finn. If I could choose which one of you to love it would be you, but I can't, and so the best thing to do is to end this, because it's not fair on any of us, but most of all it's not fair on you." She glanced at him and then looked at the ground sadly. "I understand, Meredith, if I had the chance to be with my wife again, I'd take it in an instant. I hope you two find a way to make it work between the two of you." He smiled at her sincerely. Meredith stood up, walked over to him and hugged him, "Thank you for being so understanding, really, it means a lot to me. And I know people say this the whole time, but I really do hope we can be friends. I understand if you don't want to be, but I really like your company, and it'd be a shame to lose it because we can't have a romantic relationship." Meredith paused, but not long enough to give him a chance to respond. She stood up straight and smiled at him, "Think about it, Finn. You have my number when you decide." She walked towards the door, "And really, thank you, for everything, you are amazing." Finn nodded, and smiled sadly as she walked out the door.

Meredith stopped off on the way home to pick up some ice cream and tequila- the two things she needed to have an honest conversation with herself. When she got home she dumped her things by the door and turned on Mary Poppins- one of her favourite childhood movies. She slumped on to the sofa after grabbing herself a spoon from the kitchen and a blanket from the other sofa. She ate some of the ice cream, before she started pouring some of the tequila into the ice cream. She was glad no one was home to judge her or steal her ice cream.

She thought about what Finn had said, was it really that obvious that she was still in love with Derek? She knew that she couldn't tell him about her terminated relationship, or he'd be all over her all the time. She had to hide it from him, so that she could have some time alone- something she hadn't really had since she arrived in Seattle. She pondered the thought of taking a vacation to get away from it all, but quickly shot it down when she thought of all the surgery she'd miss out on while she was away. She'd just have to stay here, and lie to Derek, whilst trying to avoid him and simultaneously be nice to him. She knew the next couple of weeks/days were going to be a difficult few, but she also knew that it would be more beneficial in the long term. When they did finally end up together they would know that it was because they both wanted it, not because they were comforting each other over failed relationships. It would give their relationship more depth and feeling, rather than just a sex attachment.

Towards the end of the movie, Meredith had finished the ice cream and was just drinking the tequila out of the carton. Izzie walked in the door and spotted Meredith on the couch. She sat down next to her and stole the almost empty bottle from her, taking a swig of it immediately. "Rough day?" Meredith asked, Izzie simply nodded and took another sip of the alcohol. "Me too~" Meredith dragged the word on in her drunken state. "Derek is sorry and I broke up with Finn," Meredith disclosed to her friend. "And now I need to avoid Derek so he doesn't pester me about breaking up with Finn, being sorry, loving me, and wanting me to take him back. And I don't want to take him back just yet, I want him to wait, to make sure it's real, and to give me some time to heal." Meredith paused and said the following rather quickly "Plus I want him to suffer, he deserves to suffer a little after all he put me through. He should have to wait before he gets to have me again." She slurred her words a little as she spoke. Once they had both, mainly Meredith, finished the bottle of tequila, Meredith stood up to find more alcohol, she walked into the kitchen and looked in the cupboard for some more tequila, when she didn't find any she sat down for a second to rest her feet, before she knew it she was asleep, face down on the table.

Next day Meredith woke up with a pounding headache and an extremely sore neck. She squinted her eyes as she looked around, wondering why she was in so much pain. The first thing she saw was the time on the oven: 7:21- she was already two hours late for work. When the realisation that she was late for work hit her she jumped up and rushed around to try to get ready for work in under ten minutes, as well as find something to cure her hangover and neck pain.

When she finally arrived at work she had finished two cups of coffee, but she was still exhausted and hungover. She got changed quickly and then went off to find Bailey and beg to be put on something surgical, despite being so late. Bailey was not happy, and told her to find an attending who didn't have an intern on their service that day or she would be doing charts for the rest of her shift.

With that in mind, Meredith walked to the OR board to see who was scheduled and if they needed an intern to assist them, or if anyone would allow her to simply observe. She noticed that Derek had a tumour resection, and no intern to assist and wondered if it was too soon to be asking him for favours. She decided she would leave it up to fate and if she saw him within the next twenty minutes she would ask him if she could scrub in, until then she would do her charts and nurse her hangover. Her neck was feeling better due to the painkillers she took, but her head was still pounding. She really regretted drinking as much as she did the night before.

Meredith got the charts from the nurses station and sat on an empty gurney in the hallway, watching the people move by her. After fifteen minutes she felt someone watching her, someone she wasn't sure she wanted to be watching her. She looked up and her eyes met his, a small smile breaking her guard and breaking out on her face before she could help herself. With that he started making his way towards her, his own charts in his hands. He sat next to her and also started filling out pre-op charts. "You're cornering me again," she teased, a smile playing at the corner of her lips. Derek smiled, glad they were back to their playful banter, "I'm just sitting here charting," he said defensively. Meredith's smile grew before there was silence for about a minute. She had decided that fate was not on her side, and she had to ask Derek if she could scrub in. "I was actually going to ask you something," she said nervously, she paused for a second as she glanced over at him, he nodded reassuringly, encouraging her to continue. "I saw you have a craniotomy scheduled later, but you don't have an intern assisting, I was wondering if maybe I could assist? Bailey has me charting." She explained to him. His smile grew as she asked him, he was glad she was willing to spend time with him in the OR, it gave him hope that she would spend time with him out of it as well. "I mean, well, I don't know. What do I get in return?" He asked her playfully. "The honour of my company," she smirked, she knew he was going to say yes, it was the least he could do after everything that had happened. And she knew that he was going to do pretty much anything to get her to forgive him and take him back. Derek laughed at that remark, "That seems like a pretty good reward. Surgery's at 12." He smiled before he was paged away to one of his patients.

Meredith knew that she wasn't going to be able to ignore him, but she did stay with her earlier judgement and decided not to tell him about her breakup with Finn. They needed some time. They needed to have fun again before they jumped into something serious. She needed him to really show her how sorry he was, and the he would never hurt her like that again. She knew it was for the best, for both of them, not to tell him. But if it was, why did she feel so bad about lying to him? And why was she so desperate to move past all of their history, despite her better judgement?

* * *

 _Holaaaa! So I hope you all liked that chapter, Meredith finally broke up with Finn- yay! More Merder cuteness and forgiveness to follow!_

 _So I had an idea for another story/one shot/undetermined length. It would basically be a mixture between the season 11 Merder drama and the season 1/ 2 Merder drama. I'm undecided but it would be along the lines of Meredith and Derek being married before everything happens. Then when Derek moves to Seattle for work he meets Addison and then Meredith shows up, so it would be a bit like a role reversal between Addison and Meredith (although obviously with Merder as endgame) and no cheating on Meredith's behalf. Tell me what you think in the review section and if I should go ahead and write it._

 _Please remember to review!_

 _Thank you for reading :)_


	7. Chapter 7

The surgery had, of course, been successful. Most of their surgeries together were, they just seemed to get into a rhythm and work extremely well together. It was quite odd, really. They had been quiet while scrubbing out, Meredith figured Derek wanted to keep things peaceful and civil between them for as long as possible. However, after Meredith had taken the patient to post-op, Derek pulled her aside, asking her if they could talk. She hadn't so much as agreed, but he pulled her into the stairwell nonetheless to give them some more privacy.

"So, I was thinking you might like to go out tomorrow? I know you have the day off so," he looked at her, she didn't reply straight away so he added "as friends" just to make her feel more comfortable. He knew that he'd end up putting the moves on her, he just wasn't able to stop himself when he was around her. "I'm not sure that would be such a good idea," Meredith responded hesitantly, she knew what they were like and going out alone with him went completely against her plan of keeping some space between them. "Come on, I know you've wanted to visit the Space Needle since you got here. We could go on a day trip, it would be fun." Derek tried to convince her. Meredith knew that she didn't have anything planned to do the next day, but spending the day alone with Derek was not a good idea, even though that meant she'd end up spending the whole day thinking about him. Meredith knew that if she told him no then he'd continue trying to convince her to go, so she said "I'll think about it." Before she walked away and left him alone in the stairwell.

The next day Meredith spent the day cleaning the house, she had texted Derek to let him know she wouldn't be going out with him, not that he actually thought that she would from her vague answer the day prior. She had managed to wash and fold all of the laundry, wash all of the dishes, including the mountain of dishes that Izzie had used that morning when she baked some salted caramel brownies. Meredith even had time to sort through some of her mother's boxes, but quickly decided that it wasn't right to look through all of her old stuff, so instead, she decided to clean the house from top to bottom. She took out the vacuum cleaner and cleaned the whole of the downstairs. She then took out the mop and cleaned the floor in the kitchen. While she waited for the floor to dry, she decided she was going to vacuum upstairs.

She had placed the vacuum at the bottom of the stairs when the doorbell rang. Meredith frowned, she wasn't expecting anyone, and both George and Izzie were at work. She rolled her eyes when she saw who was at the door. She opened it and smiled, "What are you doing here?" she asked him. Derek eyed the vacuum cleaner and looked back at her "you blew me off to clean?" He said incredulously. "Cleaning's no fun, there's no reward at the end of all your hard work." Despite not having been given the invitation to do so, he walked inside the house and smiled at her. "Not spending the day with your boyfriend?" Derek asked her when she didn't reply. "He had to work, I'm seeing him later." She lied easily, she hadn't even thought of Finn since she broke up with him. The only man that had been on her mind was him, but that was one secret she was not willing to tell. Derek nodded, "So since I'm here do you want some help cleaning?" He asked, he was willing to do anything, as long as he got to do it with her. Besides, cleaning can be fun if you do it with the right person. "Uh, sure," Meredith said hesitantly. She still wanted some distance, but she also desperately wanted to spend some time with him. She had hardly spend any of time with him in months. "I was just about to clean upstairs, we can start with Izzie's room." She said as she moved to pick up the vacuum cleaner and take it upstairs. Derek stopped her, "I'll get that," he smiled and Meredith nodded. "I'll get you a cloth so you can clean down all the counters." She walked into the kitchen carefully, to make sure she didn't slip on the wet floor and retrieved a cloth and some cleaning spray. She then quickly made her way upstairs to find Derek already setting up the vacuum cleaner. "Thanks," she said as she handed him the cloth and spray. She took the vacuum from him and started cleaning the room.

After the finished all the rooms except her bedroom, Meredith mumbled something about bringing the mop upstairs to clean the bathroom. Throughout the entirety of their cleaning session there had been some light banter between the two. They had always managed to have a laugh, even in the worst of times. Meredith smile about it to herself, but made sure to give herself constant reminders that they were not dating and their relationship was very fragile at the moment. She had to be careful with what she said and did.

Meredith felt awkward inviting Derek into her bedroom, it was too intimate for them. But she knew that she had to do it anyway, or that would make the situation publically awkward instead of just awkward in her mind. Meredith plugged the vacuum into the socket by her bed and cleaned the floor of her bedroom, occasionally flinging the things on the floor on to her bed. Derek watched her with a small smile on his face.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw something lying on the floor next to the spot he was standing in. His face broke out into a devilish grin. He held up the offending item for her to see, an eyebrow quirked as he did so. Meredith turned off the vacuum and looked at what he was holding, her face turned bright red. In his hands was a pair of her black lacy panties which must have fallen while she was putting her laundry away. "Shut up," she said as she grabbed them out of his hands, she scrunched them up into a ball in the hopes that he wouldn't be able to see them any longer. Derek's smile grew, "I didn't say anything." However, his face said something different as his mouth morphed into a smirk, one that let her know he would be thinking about her panties for a long time to come. Meredith rolled her eyes and moved quickly to put her panties away in the drawer. She then moved to her bed to fold all the clothes that were on her bed. She then also put those in the cupboard. "Your room hasn't changed at all," Derek remarked. "Don't see why it would have, it's only been a few months, not years, Derek." Meredith reminded him, even though it certainly felt like it had been years since he'd been in her bedroom. Derek just nodded and hmmed as he continued to look around her room. He then looked her up and down, she looked unbelievably good, she wasn't wearing anything special, just a pair of jeans and the Dartmouth shirt of hers that he loved so much. He slowly walked towards her, never once taking his eyes off her. "I've missed being in your room," he said before he placed a soft kiss against her lips. It took her a moment, but she responded naturally, kissing him back just as tenderly. She then realised what they were doing and pulled away from him. "You shouldn't have done that," she said breathlessly, her eyes darting between his eyes and his lips. He licked his lips and gave her his Mcdreamy smile, "I shouldn't have?" he questioned playfully, still holding her close to him. Meredith shook her head, but made no effort to move away from him. Derek leaned down once again, capturing her lips with his once more. This time she didn't push him away, but got caught up in his kiss and kissed him back. He walked them to her bed and pulled her on top of him as he fell down on to the bed. A giggle escaped Meredith's lips as they continued to makeout, hands roaming over each other's bodies trying to rememorise them.

They spent the rest of the day in bed, time ceasing to exist to them. Eventually they fell asleep in each other's arms and a smile on their faces.

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 _Woop woop, Merder FTW!_

 _In case some of you haven't already, please check out my new story: Left in the Darkness. It's a season two rewrite, with a little twist. Updates are regular!_

 _Thanks for reading, please remember to review._

 _Peace out my lovelies :)_


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